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An army of traffic cones is taking over Wellington.

I don’t believe any roading projects are actually taking place in Wellington. I think our government agencies are being held hostage by an army of traffic cones, demanding key access to the main roads around Wellington.

Traffic cones off to work

Have you seem them? Their numbers are multiplying, and people need to be made aware of the threat. These cones appear – often seemingly without human intervention – and stand guard for miles, mainly in areas where no work is needed or is taking place, and at the most inconvenient time for drivers.

Like the good citizens we are, we all squeeze into one lane – “don’t hit the cones”  – we think to ourselves, – “we must obey the cones” – we say to our passengers. I’ll be honest, I’m starting to get a little bit suspicious about the cones’ intentions, and how mindlessly we all follow their instructions. There’s mischief at work, and I fear it will only get worse.

Plans are being laid in big warehouses across the region. The older, faded cones – the grizzled high-ranking officers – control the rotation of designated expressway deployment. These warehouses are bulging with millions of new recruits, bright orange and itching to cause inconvenience. They want to push Wellingtonians to our breaking point until we all give up and become cones ourselves. Every cone you now see is an ex-Wellingtonian who has given up, gotten out of their car put on a high -vis and joined their ranks.

It’s insidious – one day in the very near future you will mindlessly wake up, shower, and slip on your witches hat to cook breakfast.

This, then, is my stunning conclusion: there are no real roadworks projects in Wellington – it’s actually a traffic cone army operation on a staggering scale that keeps occupational health and safety types in a job.